ABOUT Me

Full revelation

I feel quite alienated from the society. (1:10 AM) 8/12/'23

It is 1:00 AM. I had a dream in which I was trying to find a place to live and there was this guy who had physical problems, such as autism or a gap in his skull and who had been interacting with al queda somehow and I was going to take over his place where he lived. There were medical persons or professionals he lived with and his place where he lived, which was like some big warehouse/institutional place was going to be very cheap.

Anyhow, what the hell am I doing with my life? Why aren't I doing anything? Why don't I get some kind of scholarship and study history is what I am thinking now? I am 67. Why have I not done something useful? Why not study history, e.g. how somebody lived, at some time in history?

But I am a big critic. It seems to me that critics' lives are pretty useless.

I feel quite alienated from the society. So I do not do anything. I do get bored sometimes. I don't talk to anybody, even my family members. Persons in my family usually do not do much. One sister is psychotherapist of a dubious sort, very political. The other just has various theories about politics, maybe paranoia, etc. What do we do? A cousin in in the hospitality industry.

What does anyone do? The way the world works is obscure to me. Politicians have a certain way of talking about life: unemployment, technology, the "economy." What is "the economy"? Anything persons do to "earn" money is considered valid. It you "earn" money you are considered an okay person. Obviously I am not okay from that viewpoint. I do not work; I was homeless and slept in the street. What sort of way is that to live? A lot of "people with jobs" would consider that quite odd. But now an old property of my dead father sold; I have had money now for the last six months: off the streets.

I do not know what "normal" is. I do not like going through processes such as applying for things like apartment leases. I recently thought of buying a mobile home and fixing it up. But I seldom go through with things. I believe this is Autism. I have checked and I do not see any social services out there for Autistic adults. Only autistic children who are the darlings of society. Adults? Nothing. Really nothing! Well I suppose there is something somewhere, but it does not interest me to look for it or try to accept such person who would be claiming to be trying to help. When I have done a little investigation I did not find anything I liked.

From my motel room (really quite expensive but not absurdly so), I can see fourth street N., St. Petersburg. There is a palm tree and a building across the street. I really do not know what the society is that I live in. It seems illogical and absurd to me. I seem illogical and absurd to them.

What else....? I have ideas... ideas in science and social thought and linguistics or maybe it is philosophy of language. I like Carmine Paglia, for example. She is a good academic. I would like to do something like what she does. She has projects of some kind, which she does. Just that someone like her can exist makes the world a better place (I saw her talk at the Chicago Public Library. As far as I am concerned she is just fine.) So, that old question again (especially after that dream): what do I do with my life?

Many of us are in the social communication business. Musicians are in the social communication business. Originally, out of high school, I wanted to be one. So I just hooked up with some other loser types and we had a band. I stuck with these guys, who were going nowhere, and we went nowhere. They were glad to have me on guitar; I was quite talented. One of those guys is now is bad shape financially. The other, according to dreams I have, is a violent criminal. That guy I saw the warning signs. I should not have continued to associated with him. He believes the way to solve a problem with someone is to beat the person up. I would be next. But I never see either of those guys. I wonder: what makes a person get to be called a good person? A bad person?

I practice some ancient spiritual teachings, this makes me really quite content and happy. Really.